Hello fellow conservatives, lend me your ears. There has been a lot of chatter as of late regarding whether or not we should support Trump in the 2016 presidential race. Well, after reading this post, I hope you will have no question as to whether or not you should support Donald Trump to #MakeAmericaGreatAgain.
Here is a list of why Trump is the perfect conservative candidate:
1. We conservatives are always in favor of as little taxes as possible, and certainly do not support those stupid liberal tax plans. This is why I support Donald Trump’s plan to institute a progressive tax plan that looks very similar to a dirty hippy liberal’s tax plan but it certainly isn’t that because Donald Trump is a conservative. I mean, look at it. It is definitely not your typical conservative tax plan but that’s fine. If you’re tired of #FeelingTheBern of liberal tax policies, we should embrace Trump’s liberal tax policy and slap a conservative label on it. If I’m going to get a liberal tax policy, I’d much rather FeelTheTrump than FeelTheBern.
2. The second reason that Donald Trump is a perfect conservative candidate is that he is 100% in favor of our natural and constitutional right to own property and not have it seized from us. Yes, I know, he thinks using government force to take your property from you is ok. Listen. The only reason he thinks that “eminent domain is wonderful” is because he wants to make America Great Again, and how can you do that if people won’t get out of your way while you’re trying to make America great? Cling to your property rights somewhere else, hippy.3. One of my favorite things about Trump is that he is such a successful businessman. If you can be a successful businessman, you can be a successful president. Forget the fact that the leap from businessman to president is a non-sequitur of massive proportions. I’d also implore you to forget the fact that Trump filed for bankruptcy 4 times because psh. Filing for bankruptcy totally doesn’t mean you’re a bad businessman. His name is on a bunch of buildings. This means he is a successful businessman.
Here’s the logic:
1. If you’re a successful businessman, you can be successful anywhere else.
2. Trump is a successful businessman.
3. Therefore Trump will be a successful president.Need more proof? Well I’m not going to justify premise 1, I’m just going to show you Trump winning. Take it from Trump himself at 2:40 in this video. When he is president, we will get bored of winning. That’s how much winning will happen. Winning.
Don’t want to win? Don’t vote for Trump. Loser.
4. One of the major social issues that we conservatives are passionate about is abortion. Here is a video of Donald Trump saying exactly what we conservatives have been saying forever about abortion, showing that he’s always been pro-life.
Wait I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to get in here.
I’m sure he’s changed his mind on that. hang on. lemme find something else. Ah, here we go.
As you can see he is totally clear on his position on abortion and isn’t vague at all. I can’t see him flip flopping on this issue ever again because of how abundantly clear and free of political correctness he is on this issue.
THAT’S WHAT WE LOVE ABOUT HIM, RIGHT? HE JUST SPEAKS HIS MIND. He always answers the question in a straightforward manner and never dance around an issue.
5. That reminds me.
We all love Trump because he just speaks his mind. He doesn’t pussyfoot around issues and says exactly what he’s thinking.
That’s why I am supporting him in 2016 and that’s why I plan on supporting Kanye West in 2020.
Listen man, speaking your mind is important. Arguably the most important thing. Actual policies take 2nd fiddle to speaking your mind.
6. We all can’t stand Obama, and one of the worst things about Obama is that stupid so-called “Affordable Care Act” that we call ObamaCare. Trump wants to abolish ObamaCare and that’s awesome. I mean what he wants to replace it with is socialized medicine but that’s only because he cares enough about America and how can America become great without healthy people?
A single-payer health care system is what America needs to be great again. Don’t listen to the liberals on this, because they don’t care to make American Great. Again.
7. Donald Trump really wants to create jobs. Unlike that goofball Obummer.
Trump, like everyone else in America, is sick and tired of having all of our jobs shipped overseas. And the solution to this problem is to force businesses to stay here! What a great idea.
I suppose we could reduce the tax burden and make it more friendly for business and not have to use the strong-arm of the government to force businesses to make the financially unsound decision to stay in America, but who needs reasonable, conservative solutions when you can force them to stay here by law? I’m sure there’s something I’m missing in my thoughts. After all, Trump is a successful businessman so there’s no way he could be wrong on the best way to run a country’s entire economy.
8. We conservatives are big on states rights. That’s why we think it is an absolutely wonderful idea to use the federal government to build a giant wall to keep those pesky Mexicans out. I can’t imagine any of the southern states disagreeing with a federal wall.
I am very excited to hear how PresidenTrump gets Mexico to pay for the wall. He’ll probably just use his amazing businessman skills and win.
9. I remember when Trump first began running for president. He made an awesome point about how Obama isn’t respected by the leaders of other countries. Under PresidenTrump, every country will respect us!
Forget those losers in the UK. If it wasn’t for amazingAmerica, they’d be speaking German.
10. His supporters are loyal.
There’s absolutely no way you can deny support for Trump and remain a patriotic American. Why don’t you want America to be great? Donald Trump is so amazing that he could literally shoot someone in the middle of a crowded street and not lose supporters. Trump knows this. We know this. And this is because we are loyal. Loyalty is the most important virtue. Forget all of this talk about political philosophy, reason, or economics. Vote Trump!
Make America Great Again!
This is satire.